Daddy is the kind of man that reads the directions. Kids don’t come with directions, but they come with parenting books, so Daddy read a few parenting books. Some have really good ideas … when your kid misbehaves, discover the underlying motivation and find an alternative way to satisfy it. Those we used. Some have really harsh ideas … if you are going to spank your kid, make sure it hurts. Those we didn’t.
Toddler parenting books have ideas about potty training. Mommy had been saying for a while, “I think it’s time for potty training.” Daddy thought about that. Daddy thought about all those independent, asynchronously timed, triplet trips to the toilet and imagined that the only outing they’d be doing is back and forth to the nearest restroom. How does a parent know when it’s time for potty training? Daddy heard about a boy who announced one day, “I want potty. No more diapers.” That seemed pretty clear. But Daddy wondered … are there other signs?
Toddler parenting books have ideas about when it’s time to start potty training. The child must be physically mature enough, psychologically ready, aware of his body and cognitively capable of understanding the process. Daddy even saw a Potty Training Readiness Checklist … including “gives a physical or verbal sign when he’s having a bowel movement such as grunting, squatting, or telling you.” We’re at a slight disadvantage, of course, because Team Vietnam grunts to communicate everything and squats like a Vietnamese to play with anything. One supposes the signs existed. A tug at the pants here. A red faced grunt there. Daddy may have missed them. So the boys came up with a sign that was unmistakable, a sign Daddy never read about. Daddy didn’t see this in the parenting books.
It was 7am. Daddy’s alarm goes off. It’s wake-up time. The boys are up, squealing and banging and waiting for Daddy to open the door. Daddy dresses. Daddy’s still half asleep. He opens the door. Blankets, animals, socks, toys and pillows are scattered about the room. All seems normal. This is the way it is every morning.
Or is it? Something’s off. Something’s different. They boys stand quietly in the middle of the room. Grunt! One points. What’s he pointing at? Daddy scans. What’s the matter with that bed sheet? Why is there a diaper on the floor? Where are his pants? Why are there three pajama bottoms on the floor? What is that? Another diaper. Is there a smell in here? What’s that over there? And that? And the bed sheet … what’s up with the bed sheet? It looks like poop. Poop. That looks like poop, too. It smells like poop. The boys are pointing at something else. Grunt! Grunt! And more. Oh my …
At this point reality collides with Daddy’s half-awake expectations of normalcy. This can’t be happening! Daddy’s brain refuses to see what he sees. Only a single word launched itself from Daddy’s mouth … “NO!”. “No”, as in, no this can not be happening at 7am in the morning. “No”, as in, this is a no-no-no-no. “No”, as in, those slow-motion movie scenes where the hero witnesses something horrific while “nooooooooooo” reverberates through the canyon.
Poop. There is poop everywhere. There is poop on everything. Sheets. Carpet. Toys. Walls. Blankets. Clothes. Hands. Stuffed doggies.
A plan. Daddy needs a plan. Neurons fire. Where to start? What’s the plan? The plan … isolate the contagion and protect the boys. STRIP! Daddy strips the boys. Minefields are everywhere. Step carefully. Quarantine everything. Nothing leaves the room but Daddy and naked boys. Daddy’s socks stay behind. The stuffed doggies have little tags saying, “Do not wash. Surface clean only”. Fine. Burn the doggies. Wash everything else. In hot water. Including the carpet. Daddy thinks … this is what Daddy is doing today. Great. Daddy closes the door. Save the boys.
Naked boys get a shower, a really good shower, all at once. They love it.
Days later Mommy and Daddy are talking to a friend. She says, “Oh, yeah, my girl did that. Poop all over the walls. It was disgusting. Happens to a lot of parents” Really? Never heard of it. Daddy checks out the web. Dr. Heather on Babyshrink.com wrote a whole article on the topic after a number of mothers complained of poop smearing toddlers. And you know what … it is the all-time, number one, most read article on her web site. Number one? Most read? This must be an important topic. It sure became important to Daddy in a hurry. What was Dr. Heather’s take on it?
“… take it as a sign of interest in potty-training.”
A sign of interest in potty training? No shit!?! Why wasn’t that in the books? Daddy’s looking for subtle tugs and grunts and nobody tells him that a room smeared with feces is on the menu of possible communications? If Daddy ever writes a book on toddler potty training, this is going to be in it. It’s going to be first. Right up front. With photos. It’ll be like those Drivers Ed films he watched in high school … look for the early signs of interest in potty training, or this could happen to you!
Daddy sure hopes he catches the early signs of interest in driving.



